Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let's have One more position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You already know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by guests could ponder imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They may Appear"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."

A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Trump Tower Damascus Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."